17 February 2025, after 24 days, I put on my women’s clothes again, put on some simple makeup and took some selfies. Honestly, I thought I was beautiful, but when the front camera turned on, the imperfections on my face and also on my body made me very sad. I was thinking that maybe I could keep myself up by saying that at least I am beautiful, but I don’t know why, maybe it was just me, but I am not beautiful.

There are many reasons for this, of course. The first reason is that I have a lot of hair on my body and I am very uncomfortable with it. There’s nothing I can do about it. Damn it…

The second reason is that the body looks tired due to stress, malnutrition and lack of care. Especially stress is eating me up.

Of course the most important reason is hormones. I have never taken female hormone supplements in my life, so I don’t expect to look exactly like a woman, but I still feel sad.

Of course, since I was born a man, my body is all male. How will I look when all the problems I mentioned above are solved? It is very difficult to know. I may be very beautiful or I may not like myself in a way I never expected. The second possibility scares me very much. There is nothing I can do against it. I have no choice but to hope. Of course, if I have a lot of money, maybe I can save myself with aesthetics or something. I don’t know.

That wasn’t the only problem I had, I had a big depression. Every once in a while I can’t control myself and I’m filled with anger, sadness and resentment. It was the day I got into this depression again… I had to do something to make myself feel better, so to make myself happy I unpacked my suitcase and put on my wig and clothes. I put on make-up. I felt a little bit better. I wanted to do it without fear, of course.

How I would love to be able to wear a skirt and walk around freely without fear of anyone and without worrying about being harmed. Of course this is not possible in the country I live in, but there are so many problems… Which one will I deal with? Or rather, can I afford to solve these problems? Of course not. If I could, I wouldn’t be in this situation.