Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit more at peace.
Compared to the past, the days feel quieter, slower, and somehow a little less painful. School is over. Exams are behind me. I’ve graduated.
That sentence still sounds a bit surreal, but it’s true.
I’m on holiday now. I can breathe.

As time passes, I’m getting used to Reddit.
At first, it felt foreign, chaotic, even hostile — but now, from time to time, it feels like a neighborhood where some corners are warm. When I need comfort, I play games. I meet new people. We talk. We try to understand each other. Spending time with people more like me helps more than I expected.

But even within this peace, there are still quiet fractures.
I still don’t have a job.
I still don’t know what to do in most areas of my life.
Who can I trust? Who would truly stand by me?
These questions remain unanswered.

I feel myself growing distant from my family.
And I can sense them drifting from me too.
My trans identity stands in the middle of that distance like a thorn. There are argument scenarios constantly playing in my head — arguments that haven’t happened yet but feel dangerously close — and I find myself planning how to survive them.
I don’t have a truly individual life of my own yet. And that, more than anything, hurts.

I listen to music constantly.
Sometimes it drowns out my thoughts, sometimes it soothes the chaos inside me.
I try to be happy. I really do.
But sometimes even just wanting that feels exhausting.

I catch myself thinking, I’m just waiting for a miracle.
Maybe something small: a light, a sign, a breakthrough.
Or maybe just someone… someone who really understands me.

Still, I try.
I feel like I’m getting better at expressing myself — through my page, my brand, my blog, my ideas.
The more I express myself, the more I exist.
I think about the version of me I want to become.
And slowly, step by step, I try to move toward her.

I’m still here.
And maybe that’s the beginning of something.