Maybe I’m already too late for everything. Maybe the time has long passed, and I’m walking toward a dark, dead-end street where no one exists. Or maybe that road never existed at all, and it’s nothing but fragments of hope in my own mind.

Today, I thought about the gray hairs that have appeared in my hair—at this age, I already have grays. I’ve witnessed firsthand in my own body what stress can do to a person. It wears you down so much, leaves you so exhausted, that you start to pity yourself.
But this isn’t what people care about. When I share my struggles, the thing they focus on is, “It’s because you’re trans.” But that’s not the reason for my unhappiness… I’m someone who has lost all hope for the future. I’m turning 23 this year, and I ask myself, What have I lived through? The only thing that comes to mind is an overwhelming pain. There’s nothing else—only pain.

The sadder part is, sometimes there really is no road ahead. Sometimes, all you can do is sit and wait… And that’s exactly where I am right now. I just keep doing what I’ve been doing and wait. I wait behind the dozens of dreams I hope will change. When I think about the future I’ve envisioned and aimed for, I’m surprised. Everything is step by step, of course, but I’m afraid—and that’s only natural.


—