I’m still waiting for a spark, on my YouTube channel… on my TikTok or Instagram account… but especially on my YouTube channel. I’m waiting for a spark. With one video going viral, the butterfly effect could happen. Other videos would start getting views, my subscriber count would grow, my TikTok and Instagram followers would increase, maybe even videos there would reach the explore page. My blog posts would be read more…

A spark is needed, just a hope. A small hope to start everything.
Regardless of all this, I can’t bring back the will to live that I’ve lost. In general, I feel like I’m in a prison. Like a prisoner trapped between four walls. Only the sky is visible, and the only thing it says is: “There’s no light!”
Even though I don’t want to believe it, I keep telling myself maybe everything I’ve experienced so far was just in my head. None of it was real, and deep down I knew that. I wanted to believe, I wanted to convince myself, maybe that’s the part that makes me the most angry.

No sense

There’s no point in blaming anyone anymore, the only important question is: Will anything in my life ever change? We can’t know the answer to that.
If you’re reading this one day in the future, I want you to know that it’s not realistic to always be hopeful and full of excitement like in motivational videos. That’s not real. I once attempted suicide, it’s only been two years, but I’m still not healed. I haven’t reached my greatest desire — freedom. On the contrary, I’ve fallen into an even worse situation. And now, I don’t even want to talk to anyone anymore. I don’t communicate with anyone, I stay as far away as possible from everybody. No matter who they are. Dreaming is the only thing I can do.

From now on, I don’t think I’ll have the energy to write blog posts every 2-3 days, but I’ll try to write at least once a week. Overall, I’m unhappy and depressed. Nothing has changed.
I especially listen to music all the time, especially when I’m sleeping… a cover song I play every night before bed. I cry inside, but of course no one hears it. I keep struggling in a prison — both real and inside my mind.