Job

I feel extremely useless. I’ve been looking for a job for a long time. At first, I started with the mindset that “any job will do,” but the moment I began reading the working conditions, I fell into an even deeper depression. What’s being offered isn’t humane working conditions at all — it’s nothing but modern-day slavery. The simplest example looks like this:

• An average of 13 working hours per day
• Undefined job descriptions
• Usually 6 days a week
• Absurd and unrealistic expectations

And in return, you earn an average salary of around 600 dollars. After expenses, you’re left with maybe 500 dollars. You work 13 hours every single day for an entire month. If you include commuting time, it gets even longer. Most of the time, you’re expected to do every kind of task at work. And the return is almost nothing.

I have no idea what to do. I’m writing this blog post as a general update. I do have a few ideas in mind, but to make any of them real, I first need an independent life — and unfortunately, I’m nowhere near that. I’ve long passed the stage of feeling sorry for myself. I’m emotionally numb now. I try to stay calm, but with each passing day I sink deeper into depression, and I can’t get out of it. The more aware I become of reality, the uglier life starts to feel.

Acceptances

I can’t stop comparing myself to people my age. Some will say this is irrational, but when reality is right in front of your eyes, you can’t just look away and keep living. Life forces you to see it, and seeing it only makes you more miserable. Then you start searching for a way out. The job you started with hope slowly turns into emotional numbness over time.

After a while, you start blaming yourself for everything. Most of it wasn’t even about me — but I lived through it anyway. It doesn’t matter. You keep blaming yourself, cursing yourself, getting angry at yourself, but it’s pointless. There’s no result. When everyone goes silent and you take off your headphones, that’s when you understand. This is life. You can tear yourself apart, you can lose your mind — it doesn’t matter. This is life itself. The truth is right in front of your eyes.

My dreams were never extraordinary. I just wanted an ordinary life — but a proper one. I didn’t want my entire life to pass in a small room. I didn’t want to be born into a family that kept having children in poverty, fueled by superstition. I’m living a ridiculous life where I have no agency over anything.

Friendships

I’m not very good at being happy in my daily life. To be happy, you have to act like you don’t have problems — and I can’t do that. At the same time, I don’t want to constantly talk about my problems either, because that’s exhausting. Why should I burden other people?

That’s how it is. I don’t even have a single friend, but that’s not really the point. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. I feel like I’m walking down a meaningless path. Sometimes it feels like I’m having hallucinations without realizing it, and every day I find myself wishing more and more that the life I’m living isn’t real.

Social media update

As a small note: I’m still sharing content on my social media accounts. YouTube, TikTok, Instagram — I’m continuing on all of them. One single video going viral could save my life, and that’s what I’m waiting for. Maybe that video will allow my story to reach people.