I hear you saying, “Then work!” You’re right, I worked, but the results weren’t what I expected. Not only did I not get the reward for my labor, but instead of gaining freedom, I felt even more oppressed. The more I got to know people, the more I realized how difficult it is to live in this country with my gender identity. People’s way of thinking is so primitive that you can’t understand why they are like that. You work in the same environment as people who want you to die and live a life of imprisonment for the sake of their religion. Fighting against this is not as easy as you might think.

Having to hide femininity.

For so many years, I had to hide my true identity because I needed to take logical steps, and I didn’t have enough strength to take those steps. Over the years, I became more depressed and sank deeper into despair.
After a while, I realized that my peers were building their lives, and I was standing beside them as an antisocial individual who was far behind in life and unable to fulfill myself. I lived for years in an irrational environment where I didn’t have the courage to take a visible step. In an environment where you don’t earn your own money and don’t have an individual life, you have to be careful about the steps you take to dream and realize that dream. Another problem is the ideas imposed on you. You are not allowed to question whether what you are told is right or wrong. You have to accept every piece of information as true, otherwise you will probably be subjected to psychological pressure from your family. This will wear you down because you will be constantly fighting with people. Unfortunately, the most logical thing you can do against all this is to hide yourself for a while. I didn’t want it to be like this, but there are certain times in life that you have to go through.

Time

At various times, I produced a lot of content on social media and put in a lot of effort, I set up websites and tried to get my story across to people. Of course, I didn’t succeed. If I had succeeded, this blog wouldn’t exist. Time changes thoughts so much that I’m not even sure if I’m the same person I was a year ago. There is no other phenomenon as cruel as time. Think about the dreams you had months and years ago. Which ones did you turn into reality?
Speaking for myself, none. There has been no significant development in my life. I still feel like I’m living in prison. I’m not taking a step forward or a step back. I’m frozen in place. It’s as if someone has tied my arms and legs, not allowing me to move. As time passes, I feel more and more suffocated. If I can’t escape now, I’ll never be able to later. I have to, now. I have to. I have no other choice.

Trans identity

Not being able to realize myself upsets me, depresses me, takes away my will to live. That unfulfilled potential is consuming me. The reason doesn’t matter anymore, the pain of the result is too intense. It burns, it hurts, it seems to curse me, staring me straight in the eye. “Failure, pathetic, helpless!”

I hear it and I stay silent,
I see it and I cry.

I wish I could do something, but all I can do is tell my story, and that causes many people to say “wtf.” People want to see beautiful things, they want perfection, they want beauty, they want to see something better than themselves, otherwise what they see does not satisfy them.
That is why stories that are meaningless until you succeed gain meaning after you succeed.
Not knowing what I need to do to succeed is a major cause of depression for me.

But I have no superior beauty or flawless story to offer you, only dreams adorned with inadequacies. As the name suggests, they are dreams, dreams that would take a miracle to come true. Am I moving forward step by step? I probably think I am.