These days I don’t know what to do with myself. While wandering through the world I’ve built inside my own mind, I pretend to like people I don’t like in the real world. I’m deceiving myself because I’m suppressing my unhappiness and my hopes — as always. I think about the dreams I hope will come true. Either I’m too much of a dreamer, or this is the confidence of someone who simply doesn’t know better. I genuinely don’t know which.

I keep having dreams in my sleep. Clearly something has settled into my subconscious — one dream is about joy, the other about grief. But what I feel inside is something else entirely. Every day a quiet hope tells me: *the time has come.* It’s been saying the same thing for three years now. There’s no longer any reason for me to believe that inner voice — and yet I have no choice. I can’t pretend I have some other option. My hope far exceeds anything I can see in my actual reality.

I think about everything I’ve been through in the last three years and then I feel strange — because even I don’t know how I survived. God is taking pity on me. There’s no other explanation. But what comes next? I think we’ll all find out eventually. If I succeed, everything I’ve lived through will take on a profound meaning. But if I fail, even the most logical thing I’ve ever done will feel like nothing but emptiness to me. Maybe you think I’m being selfish — forgive me for that — but I have seen the cruelty of life’s realities with my own eyes. Maybe if I weren’t a minority I could be somewhat more understanding about it all, but at the point where I stand today, the only thing that matters is whether I make it or not. That’s all. Everything is that simple.

My psychological turmoil doesn’t end, yet throughout the day my mood shifts dramatically. One moment everything clicks into place in my mind. The next moment even the water I’m drinking seems like poison. Everyone I meet asks me why I love money so much. Why?

I love money because I need it to transition. To build an independent life. To own a home that belongs to me. To leave this country and move to America. To travel and actually enjoy life. To not be dependent on anyone. Do I need to keep listing? We all know money is the most important thing in this life. Who are we kidding? I’m not greedy — I just want to live my life. I want to go somewhere far away. First Thailand for the beginning of my transition, then Argentina for a female identity and citizenship, and finally America. I’ll do everything step by step, but it takes money. Money is the only missing piece in all of this.

I don’t know what life will bring me. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I can only hope. I don’t want to depend on anyone. May God spare everyone from having to depend on others.