For about two months now I’ve been trying to lose weight, but as I mentioned in my previous blog post, I unfortunately failed and couldn’t manage it. Despite watching what I eat, I’m struggling not just to lose weight but even to maintain where I currently am. And on top of that, Eid is tomorrow. Sweets, drinks, cakes, cookies… I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t want to say there’s nothing I can do about it, but the truth is food isn’t the only reason people gain weight. What you eat matters too, and I’m in a genuinely difficult position because of my family, my life, the country I live in, and my financial situation — I simply don’t have the luxury of choosing what I eat. My only option is to eat whatever is available. I don’t enjoy exercising much either, because I’m unhappy and I’m trying to find a way forward financially. When you start working out, money doesn’t automatically appear and your living standards don’t improve. You’re just putting in extra effort to feel slightly better for a while. That’s all. The real problem is earning money, having a good job, reaching your dreams, and so on. That list goes on forever — but if you ask me what true happiness really is, true happiness is not being dependent on anyone. Especially if you were born unlucky. If your family is indifferent, if you can’t even speak the same language as your own mother, then your greatest dream in life can genuinely become just being a free individual. Your entire purpose becomes escaping. Going far away, traveling to distant countries, and building a life there. Maybe I’m dreaming bigger than I should, but it doesn’t matter — at least I’ll be able to say I tried. At least I didn’t just dream about it. I actually tried.

By nature I’m someone who is overly emotional and tends to prefer being antisocial. I can’t easily make friends with other people and I don’t want to bring them into my life. This feels like how things should be to me — maybe I feel this way because of the difficult life I’ve lived, but the reason doesn’t really matter. What matters is where I stand right now, and where I stand, I want to be a free woman. A free life. To be an individual. To be beautiful. I’m someone who speaks plainly, and I can say this very clearly: I want to be beautiful and wealthy. I will do everything in my power to get there, step by step.

If I can earn money, my first goal is to go to Thailand, and from there I’ll decide on the next steps. I need to begin my gender transition first, and after that I’ll take bigger steps.

These days I haven’t just been sitting around dreaming — I’ve been thinking of new things for my YouTube channel and my other social media accounts. For example, after a long break I posted a Shorts video on my YouTube channel, but unfortunately it’s still not getting views. 😄 It’s genuinely frustrating. Maybe there’s a reason for it though, and maybe having my audience grow through Shorts would actually hurt me. Because what I actually want is the opposite — I want my audience to consist of people who watch long videos and subscribe through those. Shorts viewers don’t watch long-form content, and if I build a Shorts audience, I won’t be able to earn money, my long videos won’t get views, and I won’t be able to draw readers to my blog either. So I’m choosing to believe there’s a reason this isn’t working.

Happy Eid 🤍