Lately, I’ve been thinking about friendships and how tightly we bind ourselves to other people. Why do we have to go for coffee with someone? Why do we feel the need to have someone to tell our problems to? Why do we ask others to validate our ideas? Why? Don’t we know how to live on our own?

This way of thinking didn’t appear suddenly. I saw a reflection of reality, and that’s why I speak so decisively. In my short life, after being betrayed many times, I feel as if I look at every person with hatred. I used to have expectations without even realizing it, but over time that changed. Now I’m aware that I can only save myself with what I can do on my own. I suppose this is what maturity requires: getting used to loneliness and learning to live without being dependent on others.

Realizing.

Especially after seeing the reactions I receive because of my blog and social media accounts, this feeling has become even stronger. Don’t have expectations. From anyone. What is said may hurt you deeply, but you must learn not to care. Trying to change the person in front of you is the biggest mistake you can make. People don’t change; you can’t silence the hatred inside them. I once tried to change people, and it wasn’t hard to realize that it was completely useless.

Success

I want to talk a little about success. I haven’t achieved much so far, but I also didn’t accept help from others—because if you succeed with someone else’s help, you become their slave. You become dependent on them and can no longer refuse them. Especially if these people are your family or relatives, then you accept a great struggle you’ll have to fight. Will you win? I don’t know. But it seems like a struggle worth fighting. To avoid all this, I do everything quietly and in secret, and one day I will suddenly succeed. My blog, my channel, my accounts… these are my biggest dreams.
Right now I’m doing the best I can and constantly learning. I’m especially satisfied with my channel; it just needs to catch the trend, and that’s it.

As for my blog, even though I’ve put a lot of effort into making it organized and beautiful, its current state is actually just a draft. There are many features I want to integrate into it, but we don’t have the financial means for that yet, so for now it’s best to keep them hidden. If I can bring it to the state I want, I think it will be something truly beautiful.

My current situation with friendships

Right now, I don’t enjoy communicating with people at all. My school life, the neighborhood I live in, my family, my relatives, people I met at places I worked before, the people I observed in environments I entered… every one of them has been a major reason for me to hate humanity. My distance and my hatred are not meaningless. I’ve never seen kindness from anyone. I’ve never been lucky in friendships, and on top of that, being a minority—being a trans individual—makes it even harder. You’re forced to struggle against people, and that only makes you more upset. People may simply not like you, and that can happen, but many times it doesn’t stop there. You’re insulted, they want you to be harmed, and they say all of this while looking you straight in the eyes.

What am I supposed to do? When all these wrongs are done while looking me in the eye, what should I do? Stay silent? Pretend not to see it just because I happen to share blood ties with them or because we met somewhere? No. I will look them in the eyes and say the very thing they least want to hear.

To become an individual and build a free life, I have to be ruthless and selfish. Maybe I just never encountered good people—I don’t know. And honestly, I don’t care. I do whatever needs to be done.