Nothing I change on my blog, my YouTube channel, or my Instagram and TikTok pages ever truly gives me the feeling of “enough.” It always feels like there is some unreachable better point ahead of me, yet I’m not even sure if that point really exists.
In the past year alone, I’ve made so many changes that I’ve lost count. Apparently it still hasn’t been enough, because my videos are still not being watched and they don’t reach the Explore page. Does it take some kind of magical touch? I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I still want to keep going. Building a free life depends on it.
At this stage of my life, I feel like I’m standing exactly in the middle, waiting for the road in front of me to open. If I’m waiting at the wrong door, then everything is over for me. After all, not every story ends happily, right?
Looking at life through rose-colored glasses is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. You have to see reality as it is, accept what exists without deceiving yourself — and still keep hope alive. Without hope, you can’t even breathe, not for tomorrow, nor for the day after.
Memories of the past constantly come back to me. Every moment of my childhood appears in my mind as if a sad soundtrack is playing in the background. What I believed in back then, what I loved, what I dreamed of… Whether any of it truly matters depends entirely on whether I succeed or not. If I succeed, everything will become meaningful, and every moment will gain value. But what if all of this is nothing more than a lie I built in my own mind? What if I’m only seeing illusions? If it were possible to know the future with certainty, would I even want to see it? Never. I don’t have that kind of courage. I’m a bit of a coward, emotional as well — and besides, if we already knew the future, it wouldn’t really be the future anymore. Maybe everything will turn out fine precisely because I don’t know.
From time to time I’ve worked small daily jobs, but mostly I stay at home. Every word I hear from people feels humiliating, cruel, and mentally poisoning.
“You’ll regret this in years!”
“You’ll end up alone on the streets!”
“You’ll burn in hell!”
“You won’t even find bread to eat!”
“People will be disgusted by you!”
“You’ll become a prostitute!”
“No one will even give you a job!”
Should I keep listing them? Do I really need to? Is there any reason to listen to eyes filled with soulless hatred? Is there any reason to listen to lies meant only to make you feel miserable? Is there any reason to listen to the hearts of people who talk about goodness and claim they would die for it, yet look at you with pure resentment at every opportunity?
What truly destroys a society is not the economy or hunger — it is the loss of meaning in ethics and morality. People whose mouths never stop spilling insults, who mock everything, who don’t even try to hide their hatred, who see themselves as chosen, who consume every right without thinking, who blindly idolize some and demonize others with the same intensity… these are the real forces that collapse a society. And it doesn’t stop there. If we remove all boundaries like they do, nothing sacred or valuable will remain. I support discussing every subject equally and openly.
If they can speak so humiliatingly and hatefully while looking straight into our eyes, why must we weigh every single word we say a hundred times? Is that justice?
Anyway — wish me well.

-Açelya