Today is February 14, Valentine’s Day. I will publish this in the coming days. I want to talk about the tablet I bought today and the mood changes I experienced throughout the day
Lately, I’ve generally been very conflicted, but as the days pass, I feel more and more overwhelmed. Along with that, I keep giving myself internal speeches about changing my life. Being this weak hurts me deeply… Every moment I believe that nothing will change, I feel even more suffocated.
For people like me who are not free, I think it’s all about deserving. I want to deserve the position I want to be in — to be famous, to be rich, to be a woman, to change something in people in an abstract way. But before all of that, I want to be an individual. I want to be free. I want to build a life that belongs to me.
I know how difficult that is, but I still keep going. Despite everything, I hope to succeed.
Yesterday, I bought a tablet, and it arrived this morning. I’m writing this thanks to the tablet I purchased. Honestly, it has made my work much easier — I can write more comfortably now. I bought it in installments. Until a few days ago, buying a tablet wasn’t even in my mind, but within three days I made the decision and suddenly found myself purchasing it.
I didn’t buy it only for blogging, but also to manage my YouTube channel and other social media accounts more easily. Before this, I had a Samsung S24 Ultra phone, and I was running everything from my phone. I built my website on my phone. I created my YouTube channel, Instagram, and other social media accounts on my phone. I wrote and published all my blog posts on my phone. I even redesigned my website multiple times — all on my phone.
I want to talk more about the psychological distress I’ve been experiencing, but I also don’t want my blog to be filled only with depression and breakdown posts. On the other hand, I don’t want to present a fake world to people. Whatever I’m living through, I feel like I need to share it as it is.
If I succeed, I want people to read these stories and see what I went through while succeeding. Maybe that way I can become a source of inspiration for some people.
I need to find a way to make money, but the issue is much bigger than that. Even if I start earning money, escaping my family and becoming free will be very difficult. I need to earn a good amount regularly every month to truly be free. Otherwise, surviving on a one-time income would be impossible.
Lastly, I want to mention something else that makes me sad but that I can’t seem to fix because of my depression. I’ve realized that my writing feels very amateur and that the connections between my sentences are weak. Of course, I already knew this — I’m the one writing them. What I’m trying to say is that this bothers me a lot. Even though I try to improve it, I feel like it’s not working.
I need to read more books and think more deeply about the blog posts I write.
Of course, with each blog post I write a little better than before, but it’s still not the way I want it to be. I will keep writing, though. Even if my writing is considered terrible, I will continue.
That’s all for this blog post. Thank you.
Leave a comment