I mentioned to you that I had made a new friend. I think that friend is no longer in my life either. Every day, I understand more clearly how difficult it is to make friends. Having a friendship where you share similar values and mutually support each other under all circumstances is truly a luxury. The issue is not having different preferences; the issue is accepting and respecting each other’s choices, even supporting them. But none of the friendships I’ve had contained that.
Everyone started trying to pull me toward the kind of life they personally lived and believed was right. They saw their own beliefs as the only truth and tried to drag me there too. I cannot be friends with someone who does not accept my gender identity. And if someone says, “I will never accept it, I will never support it,” then simply muting them and deleting their number is more than enough. There is no need for arguments or resentment. Quietly walking away is more than enough.
The biggest mistake I made was trying to make friends. You find your best friends randomly, without knowing they will become your best friend. Then one day you realize you truly became friends. It is neither hard nor easy; it is simply coincidence. And meeting that coincidence is fate.
From now on, I will do everything alone, just as I have done until today. Without knowing the outcome, without knowing where I will end up. Without worrying about success or failure. Just alone. No matter what I do, fate always leaves me alone. Are all the people I meet bad? Does everyone look at someone else with hatred in their eyes? Even the one who sits at the same table with you? Even the one who shares their dreams with you?
I erased people I had known for years in a single moment. You may call this cruelty, or you may be surprised that I had the courage to do it. But when you understand life, you will learn that sometimes it must be done. Do not let anyone interfere with your choices. Do not let anyone invade your personal space. Do not let anyone give you unsolicited advice. Just walk. Walk even knowing you might burn. Even if what waits at the end is pain itself, be able to say at the edge of that cliff, “I walked alone.” Even if you fail, your story will end with pride.

When I look in the mirror, I do not recognize the face I see. When I speak, I do not recognize the voice I hear. When I have to treat well the people who betrayed me, I do not recognize myself. When I am forced to hide from people who might want to kill me if they learn that I am trans, I do not recognize myself.
I cannot recognize myself. Is this weakness? Is this fate? What is this? What is it? Explain it to me — what is this?