I don’t know why, but for some time now I have had a feeling that I am going to die. I try to explain it but my words are not enough. I don’t know why I have this feeling. My eyes hurt and bleed. I also feel dizzy. It’s been happening a lot lately and sometimes I have intense pain in my heart. It could be stress. Even if so, it doesn’t make sense to continue living in a life that stresses me so much. If I’m so unhappy, why am I living? What’s the point of life? Isn’t the point to be happy? To live like a human being… Not having to waste a whole life for our basic needs. To dream with hope for the future. To fill the world with good people. That’s what it’s all about. What about our life? We live the opposite of every good thing. It’s like it’s designed to make a person unhappy.

“Between 4 walls, I am now a broken story, babbling with dreams.“

Damn the people and the countries founded with their culture who impose superstitions that are not even religions on us as if they were real, that life must be hard and full of unhappiness. May they disappear forever in the depths of history.

I cannot explain how difficult it is to live with this feeling. I have hardly left my room for the last 3 weeks. I don’t want to talk to people. I am experiencing all the bad emotions together. It is as if all the bad emotions that can be experienced are disguised as the people I talk to and harm me. In addition to the psychological damage caused by stress, it also puts you in difficult situations physically. I am so unhappy and depressed that I think I am really sick from feeling the physical effects of this in my body.

My head hurts and spins. This makes it difficult to walk. You can’t imagine the psychological crisis I go through when I go out. I have completely lost my perception of reality. Nothing feels real, as if the world is a big farce. I have tears in my eyes all the time and I don’t have the strength to fight it. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a strong individual. I’m quite weak. I don’t even know how I’ve survived until today. How am I alive? How am I still alive after all the bullshit I’ve been through? My whole life has been spent between four walls… I’ve never felt anything like life.

I felt the cold fists of despair in my heart every time. I didn’t have a single power to resist them. Because I was a child. I was a little child in need.

Clearly the worst event of my life that has affected me is that I was institutionalized. I’m going to write a nice blog about it. That’s enough for now. I need to get some sleep.