It was one of the last days of August 2024. I left home early in the morning for one of my daily jobs, unaware that I was about to experience one of the hardest and most emotional days of my life. This time, I was going to work at a cafe. I would spend the entire day there, taking orders, and doing many other tasks that were not even my responsibility. Despite telling them about my herniated disc, I had to lift heavy objects… but that was the least of my worries that day.

When I arrived at the place, I started observing my surroundings. There was someone my age who seemed to work there regularly and was experienced. The atmosphere was quiet yet filled with urgency. Everyone was trying to keep up with something. I walked into the kitchen area. Most of the workers were elderly people, and seeing that broke my heart. But soon, my sadness turned into fear and anger, because I had witnessed their desperation firsthand, and I had no doubt that life would be just as cruel to me. Who was I? Who was I to deserve anything different?

For nearly 14 hours that day, I worked non-stop like a machine, and the sheer exhaustion pushed me into a deep depression before my shift even truly began. I rushed to the restroom, sat down, and cried. Someone must have noticed because they knocked on the door. I quickly wiped my face and tried to pull myself together. Yet, I had no idea that the most painful moment of my life was approaching minute by minute.

Back in the kitchen, everyone was silent, focused on their tasks. Music was playing in the background—an emotional song by a highly respected artist in my country. The chorus was approaching, and at that moment, I began losing my sense of reality. I had experienced depersonalization since the pandemic, and it had only worsened over time. Imagine looking at your hand in a rare moment and suddenly feeling like a stranger to your own existence. You struggle to walk, even to breathe. Now imagine living with this feeling every second of every day.

Even in the most ordinary moments, I am overwhelmed by emotions. This condition has driven me to such despair that I started experiencing heart pain. I was even scared enough to visit a doctor because of it. And now, I was reliving it all over again, but this time, it was more intense than ever. I was walking, moving, doing what I was told—but I was not present. Despair had taken away my sense of self. All my fears and anxieties about the future came rushing in all at once. I experienced all of this in just thirty seconds during the song’s chorus. I want to share those lyrics with you, so you understand me :

“The emptiness will surround us,

A void that will never end,

Everything will suddenly feel meaningless,

And that is the day we will be consumed.

That is the day we will be consumed.“

This chorus carried the deepest emotions, and hearing it over the radio was enough to suffocate me. A year had passed since my suicide attempt, but I still hadn’t healed. I was still not myself. Then, a car pulled up, and the owner of the company arrived. It was one of those moments where you need to think a hundred times before making a decision. There was another waitstaff job in a different part of the city that day, and they needed just one person. Along with the other young waiters, I walked toward the car. They asked for a volunteer. I don’t know why, but I said, “I can go.” I wish I hadn’t. But it was too late.

I got into the car with the owner and his colleague, still wearing my uniform. There are no words to describe how alien and miserable I felt in that car. There are very few experiences more painful for a woman trapped in a male body. When we arrived, the place was covered in dust and dirt. A massive wall separated us from the concert venue. On one side, there was a beautiful seaside view; on the other, just dirt and filth. I was on the poor side. I set up a table and placed my supplies, and for the rest of the day, I continued experiencing everything I had described before. I spent the entire day swearing in my mind, crying inside, and burning with anger. My helplessness was unbearable.

And when the day finally ended, I got on a bus to go home. The moment I sat down, my consciousness faded. I was so drained, so broken, that I completely lost myself.