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New Job, Estrogen,Hopelessness |Weekly Journal 2

July 20, 2025

It’s been four days since my last weekly blog post, and I think I forgot to write the first three days of my weekly blog. Actually, nothing important happened, so I didn’t write… Tomorrow is the first day of my one-week work adventure, and I’m not excited because I’ve worked before, I just want it to be over as soon as possible. Workdays are generally boring and exhausting, and they often make you question life. Days filled with injustice, difficulties, depression, and impatience…

At the end of the week, I’ll only receive $224. I’ll work 12 hours a day and earn just $32 per day. I know it’s quite little, but I have no choice. I’ll use part of it to extend the hosting period for my website, and I’ll write about how I’ll spend the rest in my other blog posts, but for now, that’s what I have in mind.





I have a lot of plans, and the most important one is to prepare my body for gender transition. For example, laser hair removal would be a great step. Full-body laser hair removal is quite expensive, so I’ll proceed slowly. The most important thing I hope for during this process is that my hormones’ natural response to laser hair removal progresses as I expect. While this process is expected to take 6–8 sessions, and even up to 12 sessions in some people, I hope it will be completed in just 3 sessions for me. The reason I hope for this is because I experience hormonal imbalances. Normal individuals do not have body hair in elementary school, but if you have hormonal imbalances, you experience this situation and become the subject of ridicule throughout the school. I experienced this situation, and I am hoping for an easier solution with laser hair removal due to this situation… I am hopeful. That’s all for today.

Transition

July 21, 2025

It’s been a few hours since I started my first day of work this week. I’m overwhelmed by the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing. I’m cleaning next to the planes I dreamed of flying as a child, and I feel a sense of sadness when I see the pilots passing by.

I lost the enthusiasm and motivation needed to survive a long time ago, but now I’m no different from a corpse.

What I’m describing isn’t just a few simple emotional sorrows; rather, I’m so tired and helpless that I’m still searching for a purpose to keep living, struggling, and every time I open my eyes, a voice inside me screams, “Give up!” and then continues, “You can end this pain!”



I have no strength left to say a word in response; I want to throw myself into death’s arms, cling to them tightly, never see or hear anyone again, and never wake up. I want to touch the cold skin of the earth and cling to it, and then cry for hours.
I want to cry out of pity for myself, what state am I in? How pitiful I am… How disgusting the life I’m living is… I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror… I don’t want to wake up. It’s all my fault… Everything and everything! But I can’t escape… I feel cursed. Whatever I do is pointless, whatever I do is hopeless…

Miracles have been gone for a long time, and I never even noticed it, living like a fool all this time.

I’ll work over 12 hours and get $32.
“I’m a slave, a dead story that deludes itself with dreams.”



July 23, 2025

I feel the need to write something today because I have to publish it. Today is my third day at work. The first two days were quite difficult, but today feels like it will be easier. I will have to spend all the money I earn in three days to keep my domain and hosting active for another three years. For now, I’ll just renew the hosting, and if there are no issues, I’ll extend the domain for three more years in the coming days. I need to invest in my work, but it’s very difficult. I don’t know how to overcome the psychological crisis I’m going through. I think I’ve hit one of the lowest points in my life. I need to find a profession; otherwise, I can’t continue living this way. I need to find a solution; I need to earn the money required to become a woman, but how?

I didn’t expect life to be this difficult. I think I should study secretly. I hope I can succeed…

Yorumlar

3 responses to “New Job, Estrogen,Hopelessness |Weekly Journal 2”

  1. Abel Avatar
    Abel

    Life isn’t just about transitioning into a male or female body. If you think changing your gender will make you happy, you’re mistaken. The real issue isn’t your body—it’s that you’ve reduced your entire life to your gender identity. I’ve known many people who’ve completed their transition, but most of them are still unhappy. That path often leads to loneliness, rejection, and deep dissatisfaction. What you need to do is very clear: Set a realistic goal. Get a job, earn steady income, and if your dream is to move to the U.S., start saving for it. During this time, don’t take any steps related to gender transition. In the Middle East, such changes will only make your life harder—you’ll face social exclusion, increased risks, and become even more vulnerable.

    Your top priority should be gaining financial independence, developing yourself, and working toward a better life. If you eventually make it to America, I might be able to help—but I can’t promise anything. Just remember: when you build your life entirely around gender, everything else loses meaning. You’ll end up stuck, not free.

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    1. Açelya Güneş Avatar
      Açelya Güneş

      Hello, thank you for your comment. First of all, it is quite difficult to be financially independent in the Middle East, and it is even more difficult to obtain a visa for the United States, and in most cases it is even more difficult. Gender reassignment surgery is also difficult.

      It is sad that every step toward my dream requires money, but I am doing what I can and trying to get on with my life.

      And yes, being a woman is a matter of survival for me. My unhappiness stems from my country, my family, my friends, injustice, and many other things. I am someone who has been slow to adapt to life, and my family is to blame for that. Before I was 17, I couldn’t even take the bus alone in the city, and I was under intense pressure.

      Today, I struggle at work because I’m emotional, and injustices wear me out.
      Being a woman is not about my identity or being happy or unhappy.

      Thank you for your comment. I’m writing this before going to work, and I have to work for 12 hours for just $32. I hope you understand how difficult this is.

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  2. Abel Avatar
    Abel

    Look, I get it. It really does seem like you’re living a tough life financial struggles, emotional exhaustion, injustice in your country, loneliness…None of that is easy. But it’s exactly because of all this that I want to tell you something very directly: I believe trying to become a woman is actually weakening you even more in this life.
    From what I’ve gathered from your words, placing gender identity at the center of your struggle is causing you constant pain. The more you try to become a woman, the more you’re disconnecting from life you’re being pushed aside, excluded, worn down, and drained.
    Your priority right now shouldn’t be a fight over identity, but a fight for survival. And you can do that within your male identity a position that, in your society, makes you less of a target and gives you less resistance. That’s not betrayal; that’s being smart, strategic, and resilient.
    It seems like you’ve locked yourself so tightly into the idea of “I have to be a woman” that you’ve stopped seeing all the other paths available to you. But life isn’t just about being a man or a woman. There are dozens of skills, dreams, and paths ahead of you. Don’t trap yourself in a single definition of identity. The thing suffocating you isn’t who you are—it’s making that identity the center of everything.
    Be real with yourself. With life this hard, and you feeling this fragile, this path is only going to wear you down more. You need to build a stronger foundation first. Don’t let go of your male identity. In fact, holding on to it might be the strongest armor you have right now. Trying to be a woman is pulling you away from life staying a man might just bring you back to it.
    Don’t build your entire life on identity. Build it on action, strength, and growth. There are a thousand ways to become yourself. Please don’t ignore all of them for just one.

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