📆 Halfway Through 2025: A Difficult Start, a Surprising Pause
We’ve already made it through half of 2025.
For me, the year started in a cloud of depression, but unexpectedly turned into something more gentle with a surprise vacation. 🏖️
I spent about three months resting, clearing my mind, and living moments that gave me new experiences and insights about life.
When the vacation ended, I recovered from its tiredness, worked for a short time, and invested a little into my website.

💻 My Daily Life Now: Hope, Content, and Identity
These days, I spend most of my time in my room, working on my YouTube channel, social media accounts, and trying to develop my brand—a brand that gives me a reason to look to the future with hope. 💡
But beyond all of that, there’s something deeper I can no longer ignore:
I’m tired of hiding my womanhood.
I need to find a way forward—one that allows me to earn money and slowly begin transforming my body. But of course… nothing is ever that simple.
❗ The Harsh Realities I Can’t Ignore
Here are just a few of the critical questions I keep asking myself:
■ I can’t begin this transition while living with my family.
They won’t support me. I’ll have to leave.
■ I need my own home and a stable job.
The transition process will be psychologically difficult—I need peace and security to survive it with the least damage.
■ Gender transition is extremely expensive.
I can’t survive this by working under harsh conditions. The pressure alone would break me.
Society will not accept me, and I might not be able to find work.
■ I also have to manage my website…
That means writing blog posts, uploading YouTube videos and Shorts, staying active on TikTok and Instagram—plus keeping up with my personal accounts.

🌀 Wanting Isn’t Enough—And Sometimes, Neither Is Trying
In life, wanting isn’t enough.
Trying isn’t always enough either.
To be honest, many things simply aren’t enough.
When surviving in my country is already difficult, going through this kind of transformation—and trying to remain optimistic—feels almost like a mistake.
I have to be extremely careful with everything, yet I must be prepared for anything.
⚠️ Possible Outcomes I Fear
● People might find out I’m trans. I need to prepare myself emotionally for how I will respond.
● I might spiral into depression again… I’ve attempted suicide before. I have to figure out how to protect myself this time. 💔
● I might not find a job. If that happens, I’ll have to change all my plans.
But then what?

🌑 No More Hope, Just Survival
Honestly…
I’ve already lost every kind of hope.
I keep living, but not because I’m excited or inspired—just because I have no other choice.
Maybe life feels meaningless simply because I don’t have the courage to end it.
So I keep going, even if it feels hollow.
🎭 Hiding Hurts—But So Does Failing
It’s painful to constantly hide and constantly plan.
So many trans women have tried to live their truth—only to be found dead in the streets,
■ from suicide,
■ from being murdered,
■ from starvation,
■ from the cold.
You can’t ignore that.
This isn’t about bravery.
This is about survival.
And if there’s no path forward—then what’s the point of continuing?

🖋 Written on August 1, 2025