I haven’t written a blog post since April 19th; actually, in the posts I wrote on April 18th and 19th, I had already taken a two-week break before writing them… I had taken a two-week break due to the depression I fell into on April 3rd. On April 19th, I fell into depression again and—yep—I took another break, but this time it lasted three weeks. On April 3rd, because YouTube sent violations to some of my videos, I had to delete all of my underwear videos. Now, future anxiety, unemployment, and depression are all hitting at once…

My problems grow bigger every passing day; I’m getting older. I’ll be turning 24 this year on October 9th, but if you asked me what I’ve lived through up to this age, I have no answer to give. I’m not asking who is responsible because I’m long past self-pity or finding someone else to blame; now, I just feel the gravity of being forced to succeed. Either I will save my life, or everything ends here. I’m stuck at a point where no other possibility exists. It is impossible for me to describe the scale of the hatred inside me. While I feel the injustice of life in my very marrow every single day, I cannot maintain a healthy psychology and, naturally, I dive into deep thoughts… “What would have happened if I had been born in another country?” For example; England, France, America, or Germany.

Everything would be very different. Thinking about these things doesn’t solve problems, of course, but one just feels sad. Don’t mind me saying I’m past finding others guilty; actually, everyone is plenty guilty. Just last year, I mentioned in a blog post how they wanted to heal me with a stupid ritual by laying me down next to a “djinn grave” and making me rotate around it seven times like circumambulating the Kaaba. Or in another incident I haven’t told you about, how they tried to steal about $2500 from me by telling a huge lie about finding me a job… All of these are problems. I live exactly among disgusting morons. A stupid place where people think they are God’s special chosen ones. I am certain they suffer from advanced psychological issues. People who don’t realize that a human brain plays such games on itself are exceptionally stupid.

There are many events I haven’t told you about but will definitely tell in the future, be sure of that; however, let’s get to our main topic for now. In my previous blog post, I mentioned that I bought a tablet. I sold the tablet and bought a laptop instead. The model is: “Asus VivoBook 15 M1502IA-EJ129W.” To briefly mention the specs: it has a Ryzen 5 4600H and 16 GB of DDR4 RAM [actually, it was 8 GB when I bought it, but I purchased another 8 GB]. It also has a 512 GB SSD [actually, it was 256 GB, but I changed that too :D]. Besides that, I ordered its battery a few hours ago.

Briefly, the cost was as follows:

• Asus VivoBook 15: $214
• RAM Upgrade (+8): $34
• Battery Replacement: $57
• Total: $305

The cost might seem low to you, but in my country, it corresponds to about 50% of the minimum wage. In America, I think it corresponds to less than 10%. For this reason, I honestly struggled a bit to buy it, but there’s no problem anymore. As someone who has done everything only from a phone for 1.5 years, switching to a laptop has been a bit of a relief. I am much more comfortable, especially while making edits to my blog site… I can write blog posts more easily, make better edits for my YouTube channel, do research more easily, and play games when I’m bored. This laptop is the kind that will be more than enough for me. I have to use this well. I am especially hopeful about my YouTube channel. I can build an audience there, make my blog site better, generate income, and thus bring my other projects to life. And of course, leaving the country I am in as soon as possible is one of my biggest dreams, along with learning English.

I still haven’t been able to take a step toward becoming a woman or establish an individual life of my own; therefore, I might be acting a bit impatient, but I want you to empathize here. Even though I need psychological help, I am trying to train my mind in a way that I can stand on my own feet. I am tired of waiting for a miracle in my life, but I am sure a miracle will happen and you will see it too. You will both see it and be surprised, but for now, I need to think of more content regarding my YouTube channel, TikTok, and Instagram account.