I have no idea how to express my feelings, but I will try.

You know that I am a man who feels like a woman, that’s why my name is Açelya. There is no problem in feeling like a woman, but if we talk about my feelings of love, unfortunately the situation is not the same.

I have never been brave with myself about which gender I like, but something happened, something happened. I seem to like someone. I say like because I’m not even sure about that, so I’m going to tell you about my relationships with women since I was a child and you will realize that this is not the case.

Middle School

I want to start from middle school, First of all, I want you to know that I was a man who was not a handsome man, who was constantly excluded, who could not make friends with women, who had no talent, who was depressed and pathetic in every sense. I was a person who listened to songs, lived with dreams and cried every moment of my life.

That’s why I could never be a confident man. In fact, I couldn’t even be a man because I couldn’t feel like a man. Without further ado, let me get to the point, we will talk about trans women at length

The school I went to was in the neighborhood, full of punks and students that nobody cared about their future. Except for a small part, the rest of the school came to school not liking it and not wanting it. Teachers, on the other hand, did not come with the desire to teach, but only because they had to earn money. This is actually the situation in my country in general.

Those were the years when I didn’t realize that everything was about to get much worse. We had a group of 4 friends, we used to play games and have fun together. We didn’t keep secrets behind each other’s backs, at least that’s how I knew it. Until I found out that my friend who tried to set me up with the girl I loved actually loved the girl I loved… I can’t remember exactly when I saw her, but I think I saw her in the 5th grade. It started like an ordinary love. She was the same as any other girl, in fact she was no different, but that’s exactly what love was like. She was the same as everyone else, but I loved her. I loved her despite the feelings of femininity that existed in me. I was secretly wearing women’s clothes and I was ugly… I don’t even want to remember. (I still do) I loved her until 7th grade. Even today, when I see a girl who looks like her, I feel strange. I feel so weird that I don’t know what to feel.I spent years feeling exactly like this and I came to this day. It was those days that formed the basis of these feelings, I was living in a separate universe in my head. I spent my time worshipping, thinking that the religion I believed in, full of sophistry, was bringing me closer to God, but over time I realized that God’s message was simple and people were ignorant and selfish. I hope to talk about this one day, but let’s stay on the subject. I loved the girl for about 2 years and tried to be with her, but I was inadequate, I was an inadequate man, that’s why I couldn’t succeed. She just remained somewhere inside me as a female figure that I could remember and hug every time I was unhappy. I thought it would be hard to forget, but I was about to enter the period when every woman I saw affected me more than necessary, so I forgot quickly. When I was in the 7th grade, I had an injury due to an accident and I couldn’t get out of bed for 3 months. I skip this part because it’s not important.

High school

(I won’t extend this place because don’t get bored )

High school life may be by far the 2nd worst period of my life. Again, I made a big mistake and fell in love, or I spent 3 years of high school life thinking and believing that I was in love. I say 3 years because the pandemic occurred in the 3rd year and we did not study the remaining 1 year.

I was in the 9th grade, and since the school was far away, I commuted to and from school by bus. On the first day of school, I fell in love with a blonde girl I saw on the bus, who was studying in a grade above me. The next day, with great courage, I went to her best friend and explained the situation… What a mistake. The result of not knowing yourself. She told me that she had a boyfriend and that I should politely stay away from her, but I didn’t let it go. I opened a secret social media account and started chatting with her. What did I think was going to happen? I don’t know, but I kept doing it. The more I talked to her, the more the news spread among her friends. I didn’t actually love him, but I was strangely obsessed with him and I started to think that I did. I didn’t love him, I thought I did. I was psychologically affected by this situation because there was a big lack in my life and I wasn’t aware of it. It was after high school that I started to think about what it was. It was the period when I committed suicide, it would be more accurate to say when I was close to suicide. Because by the time I found the answer to this question I was already in a mental hospital, the most important thing that was missing in my life was the lack of a mother, that was the biggest reason why I was constantly obsessed with a woman in my life. I was trying to get the love I couldn’t get from my own mother from other women.

I was never in love with a woman, I was attracted to her, I thought I was in love, I liked her, but I didn’t fall in love, it was a lack of a mother. When I imagined myself with the women I thought I was in love with, I imagined myself not as their husband but as a child that they had to take care of. A man should imagine that he is protecting and guarding the woman he is with, he should put his strength, he should sacrifice for his wife, but I didn’t have these feelings, I could imagine myself with a woman not as husband and wife but as a woman and her child. This was not love, this was a wrong obsession. I spent years not realizing it, it was not a crime, because I was just a child, now I realize the truth, I realize it was wrong. I am ashamed of myself for hiding the fact that I felt like a woman, why couldn’t I be brave with myself? Who was I afraid of, who could harm me? I was a little child, yes, but I don’t know if I could have trusted myself and opened up to everyone at such a young age. Would everything have been so much harder? Maybe so, maybe I’m a person who thinks she can do anything in the excitement of the moment, I don’t know what is right now. I just somehow made it to these days, somehow lived and survived. Despite all the disgusting memories, despite all the disgusting people, despite all the broken promises, despite my parents who failed to be parents. For years I tried to make it on social media, I wanted to make my own money and go far away and never look back. My first destination was and still is America. For me, America was a utopia that I watched in childhood movies. I had all my dreams there and all my plans to get there, I was going to make it, I was sure of it, but I had no idea how, as time passed, the day I committed suicide started to approach. Two days before that day, two days later you will experience such an event. Even I wouldn’t have believed it if they said you would commit suicide, but it happened for months. I couldn’t even imagine that I would realize the giving up brought by my despair, but it happened.

I think I’m relieved and you understand me now. That’s all for now, thank you with the hope of talking longer.