This is a heavy self-criticism, at least that’s what I planned when I started writing, because I don’t know how honestly I can speak to myself. I am not in a time when I should be criticizing myself; right now, without questioning whose fault it is, I should find a way to escape the life I’m in and build a new and free life. Every day I feel more suffocated, my path becomes more covered in fog. When I can’t even see the next step, the big dreams I’ve built start to feel ridiculous to me. There comes a moment when everything I’ve struggled for feels ridiculous, because when I look at myself in the mirror, I know that the version of me I see doesn’t have the strength to achieve it.
Look, you can’t sustain your life with the motivations you see on social media and maybe think are important, because each of them is nothing but a big lie. You won’t get even one step closer to success by waking up early in the morning or taking cold showers. Life doesn’t work like that. I don’t even think anyone truly understands what success is. According to my life motto, success is directly related to “Per Aspera Ad Astra.” The success of people who have never faced hardship cannot be compared to the success of those who have risen through difficulties. Neither life nor destiny works that way. Think about something in your life that you’ve put effort into — were all the decisions really yours from beginning to end? Or was there a moment you hoped it would succeed, and only then did you understand? “Fate.”
I’m angry with myself, and at the same time I’m filled with deep fears. I don’t even feel like leaving my room, because somewhere in my mind there’s always this thought: “If you had succeeded by now, maybe something bad would have happened to you, maybe you would have died or something else…” I don’t know, but I want to believe it because I have no other chance. I have no choice but to hope that this is true.

Only MySelf

In this process, the most important feeling that life teaches you is the feeling of “I matter.” It’s more than a simple awareness — it’s a feeling. It’s as if there’s another version of you that makes you watch your entire life in front of your eyes and throws your mistakes in your face. It shows all your mistakes and says: “Look! Idiot! You couldn’t achieve this! If you had succeeded, you would be happy now! It’s all your fault! Now we’re going to suffer!” I don’t want to accept this and I want to think that it’s a psychological breakdown, but that’s not enough. Don’t you experience anything good at all? No, just depression. I live as if I’m in a kind of prison — I’m stuck and trapped. I can’t go, but at the same time I can’t live where I am either. I have no idea what to do.
I’m truly pathetic, at least for now. I have no hope that things will change, but I will try to change this situation — first, though, I have to get out of depression. :D

Fake success stories

I’ve read some success stories, and among the dozens of absurd things I noticed, one of them was that they are always happy. Why do they never talk about the times when they were depressed? Do they really wake up early every morning and work? Do they take cold showers before they start working? Should I believe this? I don’t know. It all feels fake.